What is marriage for?

Jeff and I got to officiate the wedding of two friends yesterday. We’d never done anything like this, and our own Quaker-style wedding didn’t have any prepared material other than the vows. In order to write our talk, I needed to work out: what is this event even for?

Traditional wedding ceremonies give the vibe of “You’ve formed some type of relationship, so now it’s time to sign up for lifelong monogamy, move in together, and eventually raise children. Our religion has defined this institution for you.”

On the other end, many modern secular ceremonies just vibe “Yay love!” But many couples have love, and marriage is no longer the default next step.

This couple isn’t planning to have kids, and we didn’t talk about whether monogamy is part of their plan. The default would be to continue renting an apartment together. Maybe to get quietly legally married for tax reasons, but to socially be partners.

When Jeff and I asked the couple why they chose marriage over more generic partnership, they spoke about:

• Building something long-term
• Deepening their investment in each other and in a shared life
• Treating this new family as their primary family
• Wanting this to be visible to the world and not only to themselves.

I love this. Investing in each other has been profoundly good for Jeff and me, and it’s beautiful when people are in a position where they get to make this choice.

……

A stronger bond is also a stronger prison when things go badly. I’m glad that Jeff and I agreed on escape clauses to our marriage (if either of us became abusive, or if either of us was seriously unhappy in the relationship and we’d tried for at least a year to improve things and were unable to). I’d suggest that other couples making a serious commitment think about what their escape clauses are.

…….

When Jeff and I got married in 2009, a friend noted that as she and her wife drove to the wedding, they’d remark “Now we’re in Connecticut, we’re married,” “Now we’re in New York, we’re not married,” and “Now we’re over the border into Massachusetts, we’re married again!” 

It feels good to be in a place and time where two men getting married is not that remarkable. After the wedding, my four-year-old’s only question was “Why do women . . . and men . . . have hairs underneath their armpits?”

…….

When EAs have a wedding, I always feel a bit odd about the change of context. It seems like we should be wearing nametags and using some kind of app to arrange meetings. At the rehearsal dinner I refrained from asking someone, “Do you think my team should be trying harder to hire someone based in the Bay Area?”

Sometimes when I look at the wedding preparations of really hard-working EAs, I wonder about the opportunity cost. If your marginal hour normally goes toward reducing existential risk, do you get to plan an elaborate party? (Of course, I’ve made a more costly commitment three times over in having children.)

But by 9 pm with a lot of sweaty people on the dance floor, I felt profoundly grateful that EAs get to have weddings. Thank goodness we still get to have optional passion projects. Thank goodness we still get to do future-oriented things like get married and have children, hoping for the best. 

Stuff happens, even in normal times. We watched Jeff’s mother get snatched away too soon by cancer. Every year with Jeff, I’m grateful we’re alive together. I’m grateful for each year we get to watch our children have a normal childhood.

Even as things get more intense, I hope we all still find ways to raise our middle fingers to suffering and death, and to find joy together.