Security theater for child independence • Otherwise

Related: last post on underrated areas of child safety.

Sites like Free Range Kids aim to support children’s independence, but ironically give the impression that parents are always getting arrested for letting their child walk to a park. I think this is rare enough that families should let their kids have independence when it’s safe on the object level.

But I do think it’s worth thinking about how you’d demonstrate to other concerned adults that you’re approaching your child’s level of risk responsibly.

Object-level practices

First, build up the child’s actual ability to be safe at higher levels of independence.

Help them learn to navigate

When you go somewhere together, first point out the landmarks. Later, have them tell you the turns as you get to them.
When you have time to get lost, let them choose the turns. If they choose a wrong turn, don’t correct them immediately but let them try getting back to the right route.
When going somewhere on a bus or subway, let them tell you which bus/train to get on, what stop to get off at, and let them signal for the bus to stop.
The first time our child took a bus by herself, she had a smartwatch that she could call us with if she really got lost. Jeff followed her at a distance to intercept her if she got onto the wrong bus. It all went fine.

Rehearse asking strangers for help

When our child first rode a bus alone, part of the instruction was “if you get lost and confused, tell the driver what stop you’re looking for.” Before smartphones, this is how everybody dealt with uncertainty about where the bus was going / if you’d missed your stop.
We’ve told our kids they can ask other adults for help, but I’m not sure they really would. I think it’s more likely that if they were obviously distressed, an adult would offer help.
I think having them practice interacting with adults in public settings, like cashiers, is a good skill overall.

Rehearse the plan

Do they know their address and a family phone number? Jeff put his phone number to a jingle that the kids can sing.
Do they have a way to call someone, or ask a stranger to call someone? (“Please call my dad, his number is…”)

Give them a way to contact you

We got smart watches for our kids when our oldest wanted to roam the neighborhood more to visit friends. Before that we used walkie talkies, but there was a lot of user error there.
Having a way to reach them means I’m more comfortable leaving them at home alone if we can reach them in a reasonable amount of time.
We eat dinner at a neighbor’s house once a week, and our oldest usually prefers to stay home alone. Once she called me from her watch saying “I did something dumb with scissors and I can’t get my finger to stop bleeding.” I was with her in 45 seconds and bandaged her up. The system worked.

Security theater

Some practices aren’t really about whether your child is safe, but demonstrating to other people that the child is safe.

Rehearse what the child would say

Phrases I’ve taught them to use with someone who thinks they need help:

“I’m ok. I’m not lost.” (Unless they actually are)
“My mom will be back in a minute.”
“I can call my parents if I need to.”

Find out if spaces have policies

The children’s room at our local library allows children 8 and up without an adult.
Some transit systems have rules about the minimum age:
- On Amtrak it’s 12, with restrictions
- The NYC transit system has historically required supervision of children 7 and younger (by an adult or a responsible child 12 or up), although the most recent spelling out of this I can see is from 2017. It seems that New Yorkers consider middle school the typical time to start commuting alone.

Other policies are just up to some staff member’s judgement. A parent in our neighborhood held a community meeting with a child protection worker and tried to get them to spell out what things they do and don’t consider acceptable, but they wouldn’t give any specifics.

Signal to other adults

When I used to see parents giving my preschooler funny looks at the park because I was reading instead of hovering over her while she played, I’d periodically call something like “I have your jacket if you want it.” This wasn’t really because my child needed to know about her jacket, but me allaying other parents’ worries that she was unsupervised.
I know several families whose child was confronted by strange adults, and the situation escalated because the child didn’t answer the adult’s demands about why they were alone (due to language barrier, autism, or shyness). I’d consider having the child wear a badge or something that says “I’m allowed to walk to and from school. I don’t talk to strangers.” Let Grow provides “kid licenses” where you can write this on a card.
I suspect that part of the benefit of having a phone or smartwatch is that other adults feel better if they can see the child has a way to reach their caregivers.

Look to past precedent

Our school principal said they’d never had a first-grader walk a few blocks to school alone, but the school opened in 1900 and I’m sure that children did this walk for generations. They just haven’t done it recently.
If you ask older people, they almost all had more independence as children.
Older books also reflect this. E.g. “Ramona the Pest” (Beverly Cleary, 1968) features Ramona walking to school alone in kindergarten (age 5 or 6) on a day when her parents are busy and the kid she usually walks with is home sick.

Performing responsibility

I also think about building up cred with professionals who would vouch for me as a capable parent if needed. I want to shore up our credibility because we spend weirdness points elsewhere, e.g. letting the kids wear the same clothes every day if that’s what they want.

Be nice to the teachers and school staff. Turn up for school conferences.
Be polite and clean at medical visits. If we’re declining some kind of treatment, explain why.
Basically I put a little extra effort into performing “educated, responsible, reasonable person.” (And countering Jeff’s slightly mad-scientist vibes).

If needed, I’d point to authority figures saying that outdoor play and independence is important for children’s wellbeing:

Helen Dodd on the importance of risky play for children’s mental health
Outside Play Brussoni Lab on outdoor play (Canada)
Tim Gill (UK)
First response training (UK): “A change in outdoor spaces and undue worries or misconceptions about risk management have conspired with advances in digital technology to lead children to live more indoor lives than they used to, and the evidence suggests that this has not been a positive change for our young people.”
The “More” section

Stuff does go wrong sometimes

Of bad outcomes, by far the most likely is that your child will feel scared at times.

The only time our family has encountered anything crazy in the corner store near us was unfortunately when our 8-year-old went there alone to buy the kind of breakfast cereal she wanted. Somebody was ranting at the storekeeper and refusing to leave. Our kid hid behind a shelf until she judged she could leave without being noticed, which I think was a sensible reaction to a scary adult.
One parent I know in NYC says her family has had enough experiences with aggressive strangers on the subway that she’s sadly shelved her hopes of her kids taking the subway alone for a while.
My friend’s son has had the police called on him multiple times for being alone on a bike path (and being small for his age). The responding officer agreed this was silly, but the child was convinced he was in trouble with the police. At his parents’ request, the police department sent an officer to explain to him that he was not in trouble.

Eyes on the street

There’s a role for being “the village” that it takes to raise a child, or Jane Jacobs’ “eyes on the street.”

When I see youngish kids who seem alone, I ask them “Are you ok?” They’ve always said yes, and we both move on.
At a children’s museum recently I intercepted a child who had dashed off from his school group and was headed out the door. I’d want someone to do the same if my child headed for the parking lot.

Let Grow
Free-range parenting
Playing Out (UK)
Outside Play
More from Jeff on independence for our kids