Children’s appearance is over-controlled

Part 2 in a series on things I’ve gotten more relaxed about over time.
Previously: Tool: “Is this causing a problem?”

There’s a vibe that parents (and especially mothers) should feel ashamed if their children don’t look well-groomed. Both for parents’ sake and children’s sake, I suggest it’s better if we all leave that belief behind.

It’s fun to dress kids in cute clothes, and I hope people enjoy dressing their babies however they want (as long as the baby is comfortable). But once children start having preferences about how they look, it can be hard to give up control and stop treating them like dolls.

Stuff I try not to worry much about:

• Styling their hair. Our kids usually prefer to brush their hair before leaving the house, but if they’re late to school they go with unbrushed hair. Jeff is in charge of mornings, and braiding hair is one of very few parenting tasks he decided not to learn. Sometimes the kids want help with a fun hairstyle, and I’ll do it if we have time.
• Bathing the kids every day. We do it once a week, unless a kid wants to take a bath or gets unusually dirty.
• Clothes that look good by adult standards, if that’s not what the kid prefers. Kids are often maximalists, and their favorite combination of clothes / accessories doesn’t have to be one I like. One of my kids wore snowpants all day for a lot of kindergarten; I don’t understand why, but she seemed comfortable and happy.
• Making them change their clothes if the clothes aren’t smelly or visibly dirty. Sometimes my kids want to wear a favorite item multiple days in a row, and I’m not going to fight them on this if it’s not smelly. Lots of adults rewear clothing without washing, maybe skipping some days so they have plausible deniability that they might have washed it.
• Cradle cap is an aesthetic problem, not a health problem, and it’s not contagious. If your baby doesn’t like you messing with their scalp, you can just leave it alone and it will eventually clear up on its own.

This isn’t just about doing less; it’s also about allowing children to do more when they want to. Some adults try to discourage children, especially boys, from fabulous but unconventional styles.

In the vein of the previous post, I try to ask myself: “Is this causing a problem? Who is it causing a problem for?”
If the answer is “It’s making me anxious / embarrassed about what other adults think of me,” that’s my problem. I try not to make it into my kid’s problem. 

Actual problems I want to avoid:

• The kids being outsiders at school because they’re the weird disheveled one. My kids seem decently skilled at picking up on social pressure, but with some kids who don’t pick up on this I might steer them more.
• Kids lacking information or guidance about how to dress / groom in ways they’ll regret later
• Smelling bad
• Gum disease and tooth decay from lack of tooth-brushing
• Head lice. The cleanliness of your hair doesn’t affect your chance of getting lice, but I insist on my kids having their hair braided when there’s been a case of lice in their classroom.
• Dirty face / hands / clothes in a way that smears on other people or on surfaces
• Public nudity past the toddler age, that will make other people uncomfortable or put the child at risk
• Dressing inappropriately for events where people will find it disrespectful to the occasion, like religious services, funerals, and weddings.
• Quashing children’s style, when they want to pursue a certain aesthetic
• Over-emphasis on girls’ appearance. As in How to talk to little girls by Lisa Bloom
• Dressing inappropriately for the weather, so that they’re going to be miserable and make the rest of the family miserable. In this case we require older kids to bring the right clothing with them (or we carry it ourselves for younger kids).

I see some claims on the internet that if your child looks too unkempt, social services will take the child away. I think this is incredibly unlikely (either that these agencies have time to look into “unkempt” as a complaint, or that they’d conclude there’s an actual problem based on a rumpled kid who’s otherwise healthy and cared for.) I do try harder to signal “I’m a friendly, competent adult” to my children’s teachers and doctors so I feel like we have more latitude in areas like this.

I can imagine that if my children were trans or of a racial minority, this would all be more fraught and I might try to be more conformist to reduce the chance of them being treated badly.

I still care what my kids look like, and I’m not as far in the “you do you” direction as some parents (like Jeff) are. But I’m trying not to fight pointless battles with my kids here.